Natty Natty Bo Batty

I
An ode for you, my nightengale, already has been written

Nostalgia drains me now, I need to leave the house

Melancholy washed away with warm cans of estrella, the cheapest morphine in this town

Always a joke to be told, obscene comment to make

But my sharpness of wit already feels... so old

And I feel alone in the street, so who is that laughing with me?


Leaves fall from these trees, oh God, it's autumn already

And verano will never come again

Adjust to the short days, and oh, the long long nights

No, it wasn't a war or a bomb or.

The summer chose this year to extinguish its most beautiful light



Drink with invisible friends, exhale smoke from lungs never to be full again, give a bible to a whore.

A storm brews right inside my skull, and in no time at all, falls' rain pours from my eyes



Summer, I'll remember you.

Autumn, I only tolerate you because there is no doubt at all

Winter will come

So don't fuck with me spring.

Because summer will never come again.



II

A spectacle so cruel, we only stare and laugh

Debilitated and lame, we melt into the mold.

A figure made so...easily, no monetary worth.

In here, how can life be so costly and death so cheap?

Values counted, dollars and a number game

I pay nothing to kill him yet lose everything in the process.

We reevaluate our structure over four euro beers and I know

Now hypocracy is my only true friend.



III

It's absurd! It's fucking absurd!

A mirror a window, I can see right to the end through the hole in my chest.

I can feel my blood running... running away;

My heart no longer pumps, but it refuses to die.

But nothing has changed, I'm still the child

who waited, as impatiently and painfully as possible,

to share my life with you.

Ah, there's the rub- because where as you are still alive in my mind,

My heart knew better, and died with you.

I miss you.

This is intense. To write. But I have to. And I want the universe to know.

When you're a grown up you understand that when you weren't, you fucked up. especially, relationships. But, water under the bridge, it's time to move on, assured that a love pure of childish mistakes is waiting for you. Pick up the phone, and call to say I miss you. No, not yet. How you been, how you doing? I know your future, haha, but not yet will I tell you. I'm proud of you. Are you proud of me? You would't be if you knew the truth, but I am sure that admitting this is the first step to change. You are creating, you are moving through your days with a new momentum and as soon as you tell me this, I can't breathe because it is time. I cry, but I don't tell you that. I tell a joke instead and you laugh at me because you are the funny one, and I'm a cute dork. You have to play your music, and I have to nap. What else is new. I'll call you later. I can't sleep because I know, it's true. I'm ready.

Fast forward, Im drunk. A bar, crowded, but I pay attention to nothing but the light of my phone when I get a message from you. I miss you. Fuck, I said it! You don't seem to know if I'm the same person. Of course not! I am older, but I have the same mind, the same heart and I want you right now. I don't say the last part. Why must we always say this shit when we are drunk, you want to know. Fuck you are right. We are pussies. You say, I'll always love you, in some way, for the rest of my days. I love you too. Im ready, atleast ready to tell you, that I'm ready. I'll call you. You say, damn that would be good sex. Again, you're right. I want you too. I say it too. I'll call you when I get home. I'll call you when I get home. I'll call you when I get home. I'll never fucking get home and you'll never pick up. I get home, I call, at least three times, you don't pick up. Asleep. ok.

I'll wait. It's been six years, I'll wait six hours more. I im you tomorrow. Asleep? Not idle, no response. At work?

Next day same. At work?

AT WORK?! ASLEEP?! OUT?! Put up a fucking away message! I'm ready to tell you.

OK, I'll wait.

Thursday night. Time to drink. Ohio number, who is it? Too late picking up, so I get in the car and drive. Eight minutes. Call the number back.

Chris passed away, Chris passed away, Chris passed away.

I'm still driving.

MY Chris??????? MY Chris????MY fucking Chris???!!!!? What the fuck are you talking about!!!!!

I don't fucking get it, I'm a dumb ass. Pull over.

It's true. I'm dead too. I'll wait I'll wait, I'll wait to die. I'll call you when I get home.

My love is like an honest person, it doesn't exist
If you feel it's worth a try, think a second, and tell me this...
When you're with someone, do you think of her when you engage in masturbation?
If she gets pregnant, will you think of how much it will cost YOU for the abortion?
How many times will you make promises that you'll never fucking keep?
WIll you tell her no because its worth more to get 20 minutes more of sleep?
Will you get pissed when she says she thinks you're capable of hitting?
Even when a short time later, it's at her face that you're spitting?
Is it right to assign responsibility for always knowing what you're feeling?
Even when you keep it in until weeks later, all this old shit you're randomly spilling?
Are you really the only person who truley cares about me?
Even when you call me a bitch, a piece of shit, and push me just like my daddy?
Well, she told me love doesn't hurt, it doesn't scream, it doesn't hit, it doesn't ALWAYS make you feel like shit
Well, in my world, her version of love doesn't EVER fucking exist.

You can borrow what you want, I'll keep it low interest
I wish you had your own worth, which would really be best
But since you don't, the stakes are high, the contract I'll refresh
You don't give back what you take, I'll get a pound of your flesh
You're drowning in a pool of black bile
Melancholy on your face is obvious, you're just trying to get by?
Well get by a little quicker, get the fuck out of your funk
Your blood is more flammable than Jack, weed doesn't get me as high as your spunk
You're a fucking wasteland of transgressions, bullshit and serotonin depletion
You just need to get your ass beat, really, just give me any reason
An empty shell of a man who never was a man
Drama queen, tell me something, do you really think you can...
Fuck someone, spit in their face, and get away?
Play the victim for now, you'll be a real victim someday
The first impression unveils a little boy with unreal expectation
The world revolves around you, center of a life that's purely fiction?
Blame anything and anyone for your own shortcoming
So your dick is small, don't blame me if I can't feel it when you're coming
Get a job you little slob, you fucking leech
Sucking and feeding off every drop your dirty hands can reach
When you fuck her and she fakes it, your new little ugly actress
Think of me, I faked it too, just to help your inferiority complex

Fre(u)d/om

We need a woman president? Fuck that
We just need some Common Sense
What ever happened to Thomas Paine?
Oh yeah, they ate him too exiled,
that motherfucker also one who died in vain
Founded on the principles of our religious freedoms
Christians, Puritans, Quakers and non believers
"Under God" added in the 1950s
when rich crackers with sagging skin decided THEY were fuckin Jesus
I can be spritual without standing under God
alienation of language oppressing from up above
The Name of the Father and of the son and the holy spirit
Makes any freethinker who hears it immediately fear it
Lacan's name of the father's a source of oppressive prohibition
Now I'm attempting to finish these white psychoanalysists' lofty mission
We're all the same when we're born, we love our mothers
Til the phallus comes in, kills the dream of a world like a band of brothers
Language existed before you, it forms all your expectations
man, woMAN- your only goal is to get yourself fat paychecks
Unveil the toxins of linguistics leading to schisms
Within your inner self, I or me, like a shattered prism
I'll through my mirror stage one more time
ANd the image I'll see will be a literal totality- Me.

“Fat Rhymes, Fat lines”
Performed by: MC NAT(HAN)
Written By Nat Kuskin and Nate Byce
February 12, 2006

Rollin down the street in my 98 camry
I only got hoes cause I sold my family
Crush up ice and snort it up in lines
I pay for that shit when I write these fat rhymes
I cook up my crank from its basic components
My wallet’s so fat, gotta express it with exponents
I hate those fuckin vans I love my Chuck Taylors
Those who say they look like sneakers are a bunch of fuckin failures
They say wu tang clan is something I can’t fuck
But I’ll bend em all over til my dick gets stuck
They say a rivalry is something you shouldn’t be feeding
But don’t give me that, it’s they asses that’s bleeding
If parents give me shit, I’ll blast em away
I’ll roll up with my nine at their P-T-A
N to the A from the A to the T
Add H-A-N and you got an OG
I got a fuckin load of these fuckin rap skills
And her short name lowers advertising bills
A really short name costs less to print
So we’ll have more money at the end of this stint
And now that you know our businat plan
Say your last prayer cause here come the chomo van

Hey good lookin what you been cookin….
METH! (unison)
N to the A from the A to the T
Add HAN and then you home free

I got the Oedipus (nate)
I got Electra (nat)
Add our anal fixations got a fuckin trifecta
Don’t wanna fuck my mom, I’ll fuck yo mother
Slice up your dad feed em to your little brother
Can’t fuckin sleep lay around round the clock
Can’t stop thinking how I needs me some cock
Don’t have my own dick so my plan’s far fetched
I’ll go to boy scout camp and I’ll come back stretched
I’ll drive back in my camry full of boys
But don’t you worry, I’ll clean up my toyz—
I’ll spray Lysol, that’ll clean it somehow
Drop em on the curb, it’s time for rims and tires now
Rims and tires, Rims and tires, Rims rims tires tires Rims and Tires
Now I want to segue to my automobile
Which woulda cost a lot if I didn’t love to steal
But don’t ya’ll be thinking that my heart can’t feel
Cause now I’m bout to give my global warming spiel
I really fuckin’ love all these fuckin’ pine trees
I’ll take out any hummer for its low MPG’s
But hey boy dun be thinking that I ain’t got a brain
Only got bad mileage cause the car’s heavy wit cocaine

Hey, good lookin… what, you got cookin?
METH!
N to the A from the A to the T
Add HAN and you gonna OD

So... everything is still great, and now the confusion I was feeling in my personal life has been settled, as well. Let's see... I made a huge mistake and took a chance, and although I knew as it was happening that I was making a big mistake, I did it anyway because optimism is a new feeling I'm still getting accustomed to. Well, turns out that my instincts were correct. Let's all just remove the negative, poisonous aspects of our lives and never look back, hmm? That's definitely the plan.

I've realized that my entire life I have given people chance after chance to prove me wrong and redeem themselves. I think I've been entirely unselfish in that respect, that I let people do fucked up shit and then give them chances to come back into my life and do things differently. Well, I can't do that anymore because there comes a point where people really become not worth the trouble or risk of such "chances". It's going to be difficult for me to do this "spring cleaning", if you will, but it has to happen if I want to continue respecting myself and my worth as human being. Most importantly, I warrant the respect, adoration, and care from anyone who wants to be in my life.

These are just thoughts, but my mind is set on this. I don't need to "prove" or "show" anyone anything... especially not to people whose opinion is worthless.

out ye damn spot!!!

i have tried EVERYTHING to get the gallons of dog piss out of the carpet. i seriously worked on that for about 5 hours today. i rented a steam cleaner--- that did NOTHING. so i blotted and blotted with towels and 5 hours later the carpet and towels are still coming up piss ass yellow. and it stinks. bad. FUCK what the hell am I going to do? any suggestions? My only idea right now is to barbeque that stupid dog, just to get some aggression and frustration out. Fuckin' shit.

My apartment, beside the piss problem, looks amazing right now.

Mom and Tanya coming to visit on Friday. I'm excited. Nicci is moving in soon. Double excited.

It's Saturday night. I've been cleaning all day. Went to mall with Nicci and her friend Will. Good times. Lots of things I want to buy. If only I had money...

Goal in life- get straight As. other goal in life- somehow find/save 5 grand to go to Florence for 6 weeks this summer. Fuck that would be amazing.

I'm confused right now because I don't know what I want, in my "personal" life. I'm just going with the flow, for now. I might figure out what I want soon, and that's when I'll have to start having conversations.

I got drunk last night for the first time in 6 weeks. I regret it, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm back on the so called "Wagon" today, though. No boozin until I really deserve it. haha.

Any occasion... I'm ready for the funeral.

I'm really happy.

The only thing I'm afraid of now is that I will stop being happy. Well, it is really all in my control, so I think I can avoid that.

School is going well. Life is going well. Nicci is moving in with me. I'm very excited about that. I love Nicci.

Umm... that's all.

Remember the expectation, that delightful heat in your middle that makes you a little dizzy
The quickening rumbling of your heart as it signs you up for a race you had no intention of running
There'e nothing better than the thoughts of "what if" late at night as your mind ventures into the possibility of what could be, the happiness you could feel, so close on the horizon you can even feel the warmth of the setting sun
But the future is now the present and the sunset is finished, it's nighttime
Is it really dissapointment? no.
It's just life, the way 'things' are
There's no specific word for this because it's too common, it's trite, overdone
Couldn't the universe try something new for a change?
Couldn't, for once, a surprise be delightful instead of deflating?
But that would be too easy, right?

You have to work to get what you want and you better realize what you want because the world is never going to hand you anything that makes your decision easy- pick and choose only one and then try for it
Failure happens more often than even a maintenance of position- sinking down deeper into confusion and cynicism is the definition of your every day life... wake up, brush your teeth, sink.
Poke your nose out for a breath, out of the suffocating nouse of worldwide misery and people more fucked up and confused than you
Can there be a midpoint between deprivation and overindulgence that' still somewhat interesting to live in?
I hope so, but feel not.
Optimism is overrated and dishonest
Just get through your days and don't forget that if you trust someone else and believe that they won't dissapoint, you know even less about this world than you want to
Then again, the awful truth is that you can never know anything for sure- should I still try? or is that self indulgence in its own right?
Is honesty really the best policy, or does your truth really just push them away?
Keep focused, keep your head on straight and enjoy the tranquility that seems to be right at the end of your glove covered fingertips- you'll get it. and soon.

i love how i love to love to post on here when im at the library in the middle of the night on drugs.

no matter what, listening to the person that you love cry is hard, even if you cried first.

thinking is the killer of happyness.

im going to africa this summer, im committed to it.

mom and dad, will you pay for guitar lessons for me, please?

im just as fucked up as you are. aren't i?

happy fucking birthday to me in like, an hour and a half. im tweeeeeeeeenty. fuuuuuuuun.. a lil scary.. but mostly fuuuuuuuuuun.



i feel.... so much better. not only better, i feel good. fuck yeah junior is gonna be the SHIT!




haaaaaaaaaaappy birthday to meeeeeeeee

Well,

what can I say that I haven't already said....

nothing, but I will repeat.

I am really angry. I'm fucking pissed. I hate him. and I'm fucking pissed. Yeah, lots of pain, lots of tears, lots of anger.

I hope you're fucking happy, you asshole.

ps: I never really understood why EVERYONE, and I do mean everyone, thinks you're an asshole. and then and then and then and then and then I became privy to the fact that you're a fucking monster.

if it takes half the time a relationship lasted in order to get over it and feel OK, then.... looks like I'm not going to have my life back until january '07.


in other news, I have a new second job working at a yuppy bar for single 40 year olds, I am moving on wednesday (haven't started packing and now have no one at all to help me move), I haven't finalized my schedule for the semester that's starting in a week, I have no money, my car sucks, I have 20 lbs to lose that I've gained during above mentioned relationship, and when I do start dating again, which won't be for a while, I'm only dating guys I could see myself marrying, because these "learning" relationships really aren't doing jack shit except breaking hearts.


Although all of this sucks my ass, and I feel like shit, I really do feel optimistic about this year... I think my first single college year is going to be good for me. and I really hope we can still be friends.

long time not entry. hows it going internet?

im watching chapelle's show on a saturday night. wooooo hoooo steve is in la with his "boyz" and im 3 days away from taking off for hawaii.


im scaaaaaaaaaaaaaared

but im so excited! how can one work and make money while at the same time be on vacation?

ask me, i know how


hehehehehe

thinking about my high school years makes me almost unbearably sad.

i wish i could have it all back.

we leave for denver in a week and a half. during this time, i have 3 midterms and 2 papers to write. and during the immediate time after, i have 2 more midterms. and in april, i have 3 term papers, another test and then finals.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. school is hard.

"holocaust" is going well.

went to a pajama party with my roommate, her friends, our friend, and my friend. i was DD/babysitter... and boy, did i have a lot of work to do last night. i spent half the night trying to relax, have fun, dance around and be "cool". the other half, i could be seen looking for people making sure they werent making "bad decisions" and standing with my arms crossed just looking at my group of people from a short distance. haha big drunken parties help me realize even more that i am certainly one lucky girl.

best valentine's day of my life.

pilates= the shiiiiiiit.

MY EYES ARE KILLING ME! it's like ohio air came over here and is suffocating me. It is like I have pink eye in both of my eyes... the itching is actually excrutiatingly painful and my eyes are puffy and my eye balls themselves are swollen. yoooooooooooooooouch!

Classes are great so far, but I say that every semester and then the work actually starts. I had a fabulous two hour discussion on Kant's "universal history" and "perpetual peace" last night in my seminar, and I finally feel confident that I am up to par with the intelligent juniors and seniors in the political science department. Scary = after this semester, I will be 2 classes away from being done with my poli sci degree and technically a "political scientist"--- hahaha.

My psychology class is completely frustrating--- the class itself is interesting, my professor is interesting and I'm totally excited about the material (otherwise I wouldn't be taking the class). But, the people in my class, numbering in the 400s, are fucking MORONS! IDIOTS! complete retards! the girls are blonde and talk the whole fucking time about their rich friends and their killer drunk weekend and their fake tits. the guys talk about which girls they did and whatever... all of this would be fine right before the class, during breaks and after but they do it DURING THE LECTURE! I just can't stand that kind of blatant disregard for 1) the material we are learning and 2) the whole purpose of being in that class as part of a university.

My comparative politics teacher is a blonde bimbo, who I honest to God believe knows less about political science than I do.

Eventhough I never read it, and I think mostly because I never read it, I have sort of held the bible in high regard my whole life simply because I have been aware of its HUGE impact on uh, world history and humanity. But as I read it critically and discuss it with a bible scholar twice a week, I realize that the bible is much much much worse, much more elementary, and much much more FICTIONAL than I ever knew. It is comparable directly to Homer's epic poems (hellinistic bibles) in terms of intended purpose, but I would say that the poems are much much better. Anyway, the class is great so far and we will see how I feel about all of it after the class is over.

Things are good--- I feel pretty intelectually engaged so far and life's details aren't causing me any problems so far this semester. Hoorah!

BRONCOS GAME!


gooooooooooooooooooooooo broncos!

i really don't care. well, i do cause its fun. HOORAH! what a day, broncos first, immanuel kant reading later. har har :)


UPDATE: as of 4:07, my day has been total crap. the broncos are losing and well, they have lost let's be honest. NOT FAIR i was SO looking forward to having a super bowl party, but seeing as i dont give a crap about any other team, thats not going to happen. GOD DAMMIT! GOD DAMMIT!

My brain is thick. Not like, thick rich icing on a moist cake... but like fake, dull icing on a too sweet 3 day old cake that grandma bought on sale at walmart. I don't know how I feel about anything right now... it's like purgatory of the self. My body is here, but my mind is suffering in a galaxy far far away.
school is back up. wednesdays are going to be hell this semester.
in other news, im too weak to use anything i have learned from previous experience in current situations.